Star Potter: Harry Trek
by ChaosMan
Summary: Star Trek meets Harry Potter...in the weirdest way possible. Good for a laugh.


**Star Potter: Harry Trek**

Disclaimer: I don't own nuffin, so please don't sue!

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"Captain Dumbledore, sir!" cried Harry from the tactical station on the bridge of the _W.S.S. Hogwarts, _"Dementors off the starboard bow!"

Dumbledore tugged at his robes, "very well ensign, charge the main patronus cannon."

"Ready sir! Target locked on!"

"Then by all means, _fire!_"

The forward viewscreen lit up as the cannon fired, and Ensign Potter exclaimed, "Direct hit sir! Dementor has been destroyed!"

"Really?" asked Dumbledore, "Is that what you saw? All I saw was a giant pair of space socks... hmm, Ensign Granger?"

"Yes sir!" asked the curly haired girl sitting at the science station eagerly.

"What did you see when the cannon fired?"

"I saw Lieutenant Lockhart from astrometrics, sir. But I didn't know he was due for a spacewalk, and I'm sure it would've been on the ship's gossip website!"

"Indeed?" said Dumbledore mildy, "Ensign Weasly, have you been playing around with that dratted Erised software again?"

The freckled red-head sitting at Navigation turned swiftly into a freckled red, "Sorry sir, I must have accidently switched it on."

"Well kindly switch it off again."

"Yes sir," Ron said sheepishly, pushing the correct sequence of bricks on his console to disable the offending program. "Done, sir."

Hermione blinked and scratched her head, "Hey," she said, "where did Lieutenant Lockhart go?"

The rest of the bridge crew ignored her as Captain Dumbledore ordered them to resume their course to the Grindylow Neutral Zone.

"Ahh, sir?" asked Harry.

"Yes, Ensign?"

"That dementor is real."

"_Is_, Ensign? If memory still serves, I believe you reported that it was destroyed?" Dumbledore swivelled his armchair around to glare down his surgically straightened nose at Harry.

Harry gulped and tugged at his collar, "Yes sir, but the Erised program..."

"Now now, Ensign, didn't I ask you never to go looking for that program again?"

"Yes, sir, but Ron--"

"That's _Ensign Weasly_, Potter, we mustn't forget our training now." Came a stern voice from near the fireplace; Lieutenant Commander Snape, the ship's councilor, had just entered the bridge. "And what's this business about a Dementor? Surely a _bright_ young man such as yourself can handle a mere Dementor?"

"Yes, sir, but--"

"No buts, Mr. Potter, ten points from Alpha Shift." Snape snapped. "And Ms Granger, kindly _stop_ trying to climb out the viewscreen and return to your post!"

Hermione absently turned her gaze on Snape for a moment before returning to her search for Lockhart.

"Pardon me," came a quiet voice from a small console at the back of the bridge that was isolated from the ships computer so that it's user, Cadet Longbottom, could not inflict any damage, "but what is _that_?" He pointed to the top left corner of the viewscreen.

All eyes except for Hermione's immediately snapped onto the area indicated, where a large, fat, toad-like figure floated out in space.

After a minute's silence, Dumbledore cleared his throat, "Ensign Granger--" he began, then he remembered that she was currently indisposed. He sighed, "Severus, would you kindly take over the science station?"

"Of course, sir," said Snape, bowing low at Dumbledore's feet before moving off to the science console, where he quickly began pressing bricks. "Hmm, it's definitely some sort of lifeform," he drawled, "but I've never seen anything like it before. Running a database check now." He pulled out a copy of _the Monster book of Monsters_ and began riffling through the pages. Eventually he straightened up, "Ohh, we _are_ in trouble...it appears that creature is an _Umbridge_."

Silence filled the bridge.

"Umm, what's an Umbridge, sir?" asked Ron.

Hermione suddenly snapped out of her catatonic-like state and said in her naggingest voice, "Honestly Ron, don't you read _anything?_"Her voice went into official mode as she recited yet another definition straight from a textbook, "An Umbridge is one of the most hideous creatures ever discovered by WandFleet, it tends to appear around regions where nobody wants it, and immediately tries to take over." Her voice became nagging again, "Everyone knows _that_."

"Oh," said Ron, turning red again.

Her duty fulfilled, Hermione's eyes glazed over and she went back to her search for Lockhart.

Captain Dumbledore's voice cut through the chatter, "Ensign Finnigan, open hailing frequencies."

Seamus, the little black girl at communications, balked, "Hailing frequencies, sir? With _that?_"

"Yes Ensign. Now"

The viewscreen blipped and the imaged changed to a closeup of the frog-thing's face. It's sudden appearance caused Hermione to fall over backwards with a squeal.

Dumbledore tugged at his robe and cleared his throat, "I am Captain Dumbledore, of the Starship Hogwarts. What business brings you to this deep into Ministry controlled space?"

The Umbridge peered at him with disdain, then it caught sight of the four shiny pips on the collar of his robe and its eyes lit up. "Ahh, yes, Dumbledore. I've been looking for you. I have orders here from the Minister himself, relieving you of command and turning your ship over to me." The creature flapped a scroll of parchment at them, which turned out to be a bad idea when one is situated in a zero gravity environment; the Umbridge immediately started pinwheeling wildly.

Dumbledore signalled Seamus to cut the link, and the ugly thing's spinning face mercifully disappeared from the viewscreen. "Ensign Potter," he said, "lock dungbomb torpedoes."

"Locked, sir!" replied Harry.

"Very well, _fire_!"

Harry pushed down enthusiastically on the big red brick in the middle of his console.

Nothing happened.

He tried again, and still nothing happened. He looked up questioningly at Dumbledore, who tapped his comm-mirror.

"Hagrid, what's going on down there? We appear to have lost weapons control."

"Ach, ah know sir," came a strangly scottish sounding voice from mirror. "Th' whole bloody system's crashed. Ah told yeh we should nah install tha' Microsoft crap! We're gonna haf to do a complete reboot, even the Dragon-Core's down...Muh precious Norbert!"

"Yes, yes, OK Hagrid, just get it done as quickly as possible and let me know straight away."

Hagrid sniffed with a sound like a large vacuum cleaner and said, "Aye, sir."

Dumbledore closed the communications channel and looked around at his bridge crew, "I'm afraid we'll just have to wait. It just so happens that we have some Christmas crackers on hand for such an emergency." He pulled a box out from under his chair, and handed the crackers around.

...very soon the bridge was full of white mice and strange hats...

...outside, the Umbridge became very, very dizzy...

...the dementor ran screaming from the happiness emanating from the bridge...

...all was well in the universe...

The End.


End file.
